GRIEVE AND GROW

Dr. Donna J Mann

"Rote and Rude Versus Helpful and Heartfelt"

Why are some statements helpful and heartfelt while others appear to be rote and rude? Let me give you some examples. People generally find it difficult to reach out to bereaved people because they just don't know what to say. John W. James, founder of the Grief Institute of Canada says that there is a 95% probability that within the first three days after the death of a loved one, a griever will hear 141 statements offered by people who relate to them. Out of that 141 there are only 19 that are helpful. That means the 85% of the one-liners were not useful to the griever.

'Rote and Rude' is a phrase that I coined for statements that are usually found to be non-supportive. Even worse they can limit one's grief process. We've all said some of them at one time or another. They just come tumbling out from habit or from not knowing what to say at a very vulnerable time. We just say what we've been taught to say - it's what comes natural to us with no harm intended.

One of those rote one-liners that we say without thinking is, "Time will heal." We know as soon as we say it that time doesn't heal anything: it's what we do in the time that heals. Another saying that comes natural especially in a long illness is "It's for the best or it's a blessing." It may or may not be the case, but it doesn't reduce one's grief and it may appear to devalue the loved one's life.

Other phrases that are often used at a tragic or unexpected death are "It's God's will," or "God knows best," or "You can't argue with God." These phrases are seldom comforting to those in grief.

Being told 'Don't worry, you'll get over it' can be offensive. This may not be something they'll easily get over, but rather learn to live with.

Hearing, "I know just exactly how you feel" doesn't help either. Because everybody's grief experience is different, everybody's emotional response is different as well.

The helpful and heartfelt one-liners comfort and give permission for people to grieve openly and honestly. "How are you, really!" tells the person that you have the time to listen, that you are interested in them and that you understand that they need to talk about their experience of grief.

"How can I help?" leaves it open for the bereaved to invite you into their world for lunch, a visit or a card with a verse that fits into the H&H one-liners.

Find your own words rather than using the predictable R/R jargon. Our best response gives opportunity to the bereaved person to review the life of the loved one, to reflect on his or her life and death, and to find ways to rethink memories.

Donna Mann is a grief counsellor at the Meadow's Retreat & Learning Circle, R.R.#2, Holstein, Ontario, N0G 2A0, email - dmann@log.on.ca. She welcomes your responses to "Grieve and Grow" 

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